Square Cut

Raj Thackrey
We Really don’t care if the chicken crossed the road as long as it’s a marathi chicken and it knows how to cuckoo in marathi.

Madhu Koda
No! the chicken never crossed the road! Show me proof that there was a chicken that ever crossed the road. Baseless Allegations!...The chicken is lying.

Barrack Obama
Yes! We can ! If today, a chicken can cross the road, so too can we , tomorrow. Yes, we can. Yes, we can change. Yes, we can.

Hu Jintao
Oh..That road was already ours, so the chicken dint need to cross the road at the first place.

Mayawati
That is excellent news indeed! Lets erect a few monuments and memorial sites in honour of the chicken that crossed the road.

Rahul Gandhi
That’s just a start. We need more and more young chickens who would cross the road. I dream of an India where all chickens can cross the road safely.

Shashi Tharoor
Oh yeah?..what’s with the world.??.first it was the about the cattle and now its about the chicken..and btw..I paid for my chicken.

HR Executive
I am the one who's asking the questions here. You tell me.

Operations Manager
WHAT??? the chicken crossed the road? ..you are fired!

Remo Fernandes
Chickennnnnnn….hjut hjuytr dertu gty jk! Yutr wioqg zsadlp tyerui aqerwill ?

• err..sorry don’t ask me to translate what Remo said, I dint understand either*

Shahrukh Khan
So what if it crossed the road?? Now, even if the chicken is detained at the other end of the road for a few hours, that’s fine. Why is it getting so sensationalized by the media? And I have no movies with chickens ..

Kevin Rudd
We welcome all chickens crossing the road. We even have new policies for chickens who are crossing the road. All chickens will be safe, I assure you.

Bill Clinton
What??? I was never with THAT chicken the other night! And I crossed the road alone.

Asif Ali Zardari
We have concrete proof that there is India’s involvement in the chicken crossing the road and we will present the evidence at an appropriate time.

Jagjit Singh
You should have advised the chicken to first look to its left, then right and to its left again before crossing the road.

Robin Sharma
The chicken was just following its dream. You know all chickens have dreams and it was just the inner urge in that chicken that made it cross the road. I urge all the chickens to cross the road.

Rakhi Sawant
No one told me that the chicken was going to cross the road and that the media was supposed to cover it. Can you ask the chicken to cross the road again ..and this time inform me prior!

RAW(Research and Analysis wing)
We have more than enough reason to believe that there is a chicken somewhere and we are still contemplating on whether it has plans to cross the road.

Chicken
Glad you asked me. I just wanted to get to the other side of the road.

P.S:- I pass this on to anybody who finds this interesting to try it out on their space:) Any takers?

“24 women commited suicide in Cochin. The reason being I had switched off my mobile for a short duration of time.” Right!! Now that’s One of those sample Goodmorning SMS’s that I receive everyday in the morning between 06:00am and 08:00am without fail from one of my friends, Thambi. Alarm clocks, Cell phone alarms, buzzers or any other electronic gadgets are usually incapable of waking me up in the morning, but Thambi’s sms’s invariably wakes me up even if I had kept my cell phone in silent mode..Dont ask me how! But then again, it was one of those days where I was thankful to the SMS which woke me up as I had to meet an old friend of mine who had returned from US and we had to meet at this so called Discotheque/pub/bar.

Ok..So we met up. After the customary bear hug(which almost crushed my bones and caused the normal respiration process a few problems) and the mutual exchange of swear words, ( The meaning of some of those words are unknown to both of us, but the sheer sincerity in our voice added with our expertise in intonation, made those words sound terrible..Mission accomplished) we settled down to have some beer..some sanity atlast. My friend is not a philosopher but then the amount of beer entering his body is directly proportional to his philosophy. Lets just say that he gets philosophically enlightened as and when mugs of beer is gulped down his throat and he gets visions on the purpose of life and its inner meaning. All that said about my friend, he’s a lot of fun to talk to and be with ..trust me.

So after a few mugs of beer, I could just sense that My friend wasn’t really listening to me..I mean we were having a conversation on whether ISRO’s discovery of water on the moon was really valid or not. I could see no reason on why he or for that matter anyone, should not be listening to such path breaking, intellectually stimulating and brain enriching conversations. But anyways, that’s besides the point ..the point was, there was this song playing in the background “Masti ki paathshala” and we could also see a few disinterested souls dancing to that tune. All of a sudden my friend turns to me and says “ machu! This is not happening da..nammuku policham!..( Lets break it ..literal translation) come..lets do the paathshaala!! “..which ofcourse in English means, lets dance! As soon as he uttered those magic words, I went through the following emotions/reactions :-

1. Shivers went through my spine
2. Absolute look of horror in my eyes
3. Anxiety, nervousness, tenseness, uneasiness, apprehension, worry, distress,
4. Despair, hopelessness, gloom, glumness, sadness, unhappiness, grief,sorrow, woe, misery.

Oh..I forgot to mention Anger, contempt and disgust. My friend was pulling me with all his strength to the so called dance floor. I not only used my hands but also wrapped my legs around the table from being pulled to the floor. But then ..all in vain. So here we are, both of us on the dance floor. Lets just say that dancing cannot be counted as “strengths” where both us were concerned. I am better, because I would like to believe that I am athletically good..which would mean that I can run faster and jump higher. Masti ki paathshalla was still on and all of sudden I realize that my friend was furiously rotating his hands and hips and jumping 360 degrees in between. Peer pressure is something that I hate, and so I had to do something fast. I started off by showing traffic signals which would indicate “Stop”, “Move on”, “Stop again..bump ahead” and then on to ducking imaginary bouncers thrown at me by Shoaib Akhtar. In this short span of time, we managed to grab the attention of other fellow dancers who I guess, had already developed an inferiority complex by then and had decided to stop and watch the masters show them how to do it.

Then the most incredible thing after the discovery of water on the moon happened. My friend had this vision that both of us may be making a fool of ourselves on the floor and that its time to stop the dance and allow our fellow dancers some much needed respite to get out of the inferiority complex (its ok guys, not everybody are as gifted!)
Long story short..(alright it was never short..but then still u know..) we bearhugged, exchanged swear words and parted.

P.S :- Love you brother..

P.P.S:- I will email you the post only after you reach US.

Date:-November 5th 2009
Place:- Sweet Home
Event:- India Vs Australa, 5th ODI at Hyderabad

I guess there comes a time in every person’s life when he/she is faced with one of the most demanding prospects of multitasking while watching the great Sachin Tendulkar bat. Unfortunately, that moment of truth had come for me. Among the many values and principles which I strongly follow, the one which I follow religiously is “ Multitasking while watching Sachin bat is a sin . Not missing even a single ball while Sachin is at the crease is a virtue which eventually would lead to moksha/spiritual freedom". But thanks to technology and cell phones, we are now mixing sin with virtue.

Scene 1:- India chasing a mammoth total of 350 set by Australia, are fighting back through Sachin Tendulkar. The great man is making it look so ridiculously easy that the game is now, Australia Vs Sachin Tendulkar. Let me use no more superlatives to describe Sachin’s innings because I am incapable to do justice with words and would be belittling the man’s batsmanship. You had to see it to believe it and if you dint, big loss man..BIG BIG LOSS!.

Scene 2:- I am nervously fiddling with my cellphone while watching Sachin bat. I usually keep my mobile at a safe distance but I guess, destiny had its way today. So to my horror, I accidentally pick up a call from a friend at half ring ! No way out..I say “Hello” to which she replies “ Hey..I dint know you were so desperately waiting to hear my voice..U dint allow the phone to ring even once!

Me:- err..hmm…err…look, can I give you a call back ..I am watching cricket (Yeah..on hindsight, “I am watching porn”, would have been a far more effective excuse)

Friend:- No, you cannot..its important and don’t cut the call ..I wont call you again…its very important( Though that was an open invitation/encouragement to cut the call, I exercised restraint and decided that I would get out of this call soon..)

Friend:- What do you think I should do? Should I go tell the boss that I want to be in a different team ?

Me :- (Sachin just danced down the wicket to hit Nathan Hauritz for a huge six !) OK..tell the boss ..(Controlling my excitement by furiously taking long breaths )

Friend:- But won’t he ask me why?

Me:- Ok..

Friend:- Ok? ..Ok?..What Ok?

Me:- err..hmm..be in a different team ..be happy and u know…let there be peace and tranquility in Asia

Friend: Che!..I am asking what would my present team think ? wont they feel I am showing attitude..? Also, Since I was in a different process before, wouldn’t adapting myself to the new process be far more difficult? What do you think? Do you think my boss would understand what I’m trying to tell him?

Me; hmm..hmmm..yeah he would..I mean ..they would ..everybody loves peace and tranquility you know ..

My head was spinning..Sachin just danced down again to hit Nathan Hauritz for another six! The telephone conversation painfully reminded me of my 10th std viva voice exam

Questioner : Why is the emf of auxillary battery greater than the emf to be measured?

Me:- err..hmm..errr..(faking the “Oh I knew it..just not remembering it now look on my face)..hmm..batteryyy..

Questioner : Why is the emf of auxillary battery greater than the emf to be measured?

Me: Zeeman effect? Electrostatic law?

Questioner:- No..and he proceeded to write down something on his paper with a look of disbelief on his face

Me:- ( Trying desperately)..Newtons apple? Theory of relativity?..

Coming back to my friend..She did not seem quite impressed with my answers either..
Friend:- ( Getting progressively irritated) ..Rohit, you are not listening..what do you think they would say?

Ok.just then , MS Dhoni, is brilliantly caught out at point, by Adam Voges and is walking balk to the pavilion. That was it! I couldn’t control my agony and despair..

Me:- Ok..ok( breathing furiously) look..go tell your team mates in your present team that they Suck Big Time! And then, immediately run down to your boss and tell him that he sucks as well..and that you don’t want to work in a team full of suckers and that you want to be in a different team. This would be the best method to communicate as you would be leaving no scope for confusion and misunderstanding.

There was silence from the other end of the phone and then heard the click sound of the call getting disconnected.

P.S:- Please don’t blame me for this episode, Blame MS Dhoni for getting out at the wrong time!

P.P.S:- Don’t fiddle with your cellphone while watching the match, fiddle with somebody else’s

P.P.P.S:-There is a good possibility of close to 80% hanging up if you say that you are watching porn, but there is always another 20% who might ask “Which one?”

P.P.P.P.S:- Nothing related to the post. Way back, when Sidhu was commentating, it so happened that Sachin hit a six and he said “All that comes from a cow is not milk”. For the life of me I couldn’t understand what it meant and how was it related w.r.t context. If there are any enlightened souls who know the answer, please feel free to let me know.

“The unexpected always happens when you least expect it and so always be prepared for the unexpected”. This was my friend’s advice to me and before I could understand in what context did he say that, I immediately realized that the context has always been irrelevant for my friend. It has always been up to us to place his advice and put it in context accordingly and of course display my gratitude to him by buying him a cigarette for the wonderful piece of advice. So when I told him that getting a middle management job should be rated as one of the top 10 most difficult things in Kerala, Vinod advised me to customize my resume for each job profile that you send an application for. The advise took me by complete shock as this was one of those rare instances where I really dint need to search the context to place the advise. The advice was spot on! But soon I realized that you can only customize a resume and not a word document which is stretching over more than 5-6 pages and more looks like a novel.Me decided, that I will prepare a whole new resume altogether and in doing so, let me enlighten any souls who have accidentally stumbled upon this post on how to prepare resumes, how to attend interviews and how to get a job. It’s easy and you can thank me at the end of the post.

While preparing resumes, always imagine that you are Bat-man and the previous company that you worked for as “Gotham city” and with all humility write down all your adventures on how you saved gotham city each time they were in trouble. Write down on how the gotham city chief would look up to you when in trouble and how easily would you come up with cost cutting measures, performance improvement measures, quality improvement measures and even those measures which you probably dint even think of at that time, but hey!..you are thinking about it now. Though you can mention that you have got an excellent track record, but it would also be nice of you to clarify that you are not a horse either..you know just in case..it pays to be safe. In short, just write down on how you made Gotham city a wonderful place to work.

Now most resumes have something called as an Objective statement. Just Google it and copy paste any fancy statement you like but just be sure that your resume does not fall in the hands of your parents. They would be shell shocked to realize that they had misunderstood their sons and daughters all this while after reading your objective statement and there is also an unnecessary risk of your near and dear ones fainting. So keep your resume at a safe distance away from your parents and other family members as we definitely do not want to risk any family calamities. Moving on, most resumes also contains a “Hobbies” section. It’s important to choose which hobbies are you going to write down on your resume. Sleeping at work, taking at least 3 days off in a week, having a debate with your colleagues on who might be the father of your immediate supervisor/manager and researching on swear words from different languages might not look great on a resume. Try avoiding those and instead write down hobbies like studying characteristics, bungee jumping, skydiving and last but not the least helping the poor and needy. If you do donate blood, you can mention that but avoid the deatils of the same like donated 10 gallons so far or 16 gallons so far. Humility..remember? Some resumes also have a section called "References". Again, it's better to be subtle here and mention that you can provide references on request rather than mentioning that there are no references available and that you are the lone man standing and that you have left a path of destruction behind you. Now that you have done with the resume, don’t forget to add your signature and that statement. You know.. the one at end which states everything you have mentioned in the resume is true to your knowledge? ..yeah.. that one.

Now getting through an interview is easier than preparing the resume. Go for the interview thinking that you are Brad Pitt..ok just think that you are..the idea is to equip yourself with a wrong sense of high self esteem and also if you don’t get the job, you can always blame it on Brad Pitt (ok..Bad joke. couldn’t resist myself there). I almost forgot to mention the most important point and that is, to use corporate jargon. For eg:- even if it does not make much sense w.r.t context, use words like vertical (Replacing the word "UP"), horizontal(replacing the word "sideways"),micro(replacing the word small), macro(replacing the word "big", disconnect (replacing the word "stupidity", process gap (replacing the word "mistakes") etc etc..

P.S:- Whoever gets a job using the above methods; please send over Rs 50 to me.

P.P.S:- If anyone screws up their interview using the above methods, please do not blame me, blame Brad Pitt instead.

A daily glance through the newspapers would actually be more than enough to effectively learn how to empathize. Now I am not trying to be critical of any political party in particular, because quite frankly empathizing has not been any one political party’s forte..every party is quite good at it. This, is in no way am I suggesting that empathizing is not good. But if you look around, I just feel that there is an overdose of empathy with no solutions to back it up. The Thekkady boat tragedy where almost 40 lost their lives is a fine example. Everybody expressed grief on hearing about the incident and the Kerala CM announced a compensation of 5 lakhs each for victim’s family. Kodiyeri Balakrishnan (Kerala tourism minister) came out with preventive measures for such boat accidents in the future stating that all boats at tourist destinations in Kerala would undergo a safety check to ensure the vessels are in good condition. It was also decided that henceforth all those under the age of 15 must wear a life jacket and those above 15 who do not wear one have to give an undertaking as to why they are not doing so. A rescue boat with all medical facilities at each boating destination and for every 25 passengers on a boat, one life guard would be employed. A friend of mine just returned after a vacation in kumarakom where he went for a boat ride. In spite of the writing in the boat ticket which says that wearing a life jacket is mandatory, there were no life jackets available. Lets take Thekkady, It’s been more than 4 weeks since the Periyar Wildlife Sanctuary shut down following the boat capsize and tour operators, hotel owners and locals are now urging that the popular tourist spot be reopened soon as their livelihoods are at stake. There are over 40 resorts and more than 10,000 people make a living out of tourism activities and everything coming to a standstill is not a solution. Everybody empathized with this situation as well. Now, that’s a surprise.

The 2002 Godhra communal riots can pull up so many cases where most of the empathizers might have forgotten why they empathized in the first case. There was a talk show in one of the news channels regarding the survivors of the 1984 Sikh riots after the assassination of the then prime Minster, Indira Gandhi. The khalistan movement is still brewing in India and all it needs is one small spark to flame it up. It has been close to 25 years that successive governments have been successfully empathizing with the victims of the 84 riots, but there has been no hope of justice even today. It’s not good enough to say that “your heart goes out to the victims”. As the saying goes, Justice delayed is justice denied, Empathy cannot replace justice nor can it replace solutions. People who have lost their families do not need empathy, they need justice, and they need solutions. One of the participants in the talk show stated that we should reverse the norm that “Every party is innocent until proven guilty” and change that to “Every party is guilty until proven innocent”. Though, that’s stretching it a bit too far, but its far better than saying “We understand how difficult this must be and our hearts go out to them”

Empathy is the quality that lets you “walk a mile in someone else’s shoes” and with empathy comes understanding and with understanding comes solutions. I don’t think empathy is a virtue, it’s just ability. It can be used for the good and for the bad as well and there’s no point in showing empathy without any intent. Some times it’s better to interrupt the speaker, than pretend to listen to him.

After working for close to two years at my previous workplace, I have resigned. Its been just two and half weeks since I am unemployed but it already seems to be an eternity for me. The thing with unemployment is that you are on the job the minute you wake up in the morning. That being said, I had quit the job, keeping in mind certain objectives, starting from, helping out in the construction of my house to a bit of further studies in skill enhancement. But unemployment is not a good state of mind. Perhaps it could be because time passes differently when you are not that busy. This is partly because of the construction work which is progressing on the slower mode and partly because of the importance I have always given to my work life. From the time I started working, I have always given my work first priority and in doing so, social life had taken a back seat. I was never a very active friend like, you know, regular hangouts or keeping in constant touch types, nor am I in to traveling or in to any major hobbies. I slog it out when at work and everything else just comes second. So when you get unemployed, that’s a void not only because of the time factor but also because of the sheer importance given to work.

Though, I am not aggressively job hunting right now because of the two reasons mentioned above, the anxiety of not having a job is quite irritating to say the least. I remember the last time I was unemployed (hehee..yeah..I am not new to this) which I think was four years back, responding to questions from people was a pain. Infact, I was so engrossed with “I don’t have a job” notion in my mind, that even to a question like “how you doing” my answer would be something to the effect of how I am searching for a new job. But I guess, life always gives us a few more chances to learn and do it right and ironically, I think, I am tackling unemployment better this time around. Take this oxymoron for example:- Though I said that I am not that busy, but I still don’t get time to do the things I wanted in a day! Its true that I don’t have an office to go to nor is the construction work in full progress now, still I end up running out of time to do certain things for the day. Part of that has got to do with me sleeping late which would mean that I get up late as well and and logic would say that when you get up late in the day, you would get less time in the day!

But hey! All is not dull. Unemployment has allowed me time to refocus and relax. I have more time to do things which I had postponed when I was at work. It has allowed me freedom to spend quality time with my family and catch up on some very good skill enhancement books and certification programs. It has allowed me to set smaller goals like getting back to shape (yeah exercising!) and catching up with some good movies. It has also spoilt me for choices like, I can sleep in or get up early ..my choice! I can go for a drive, catch up with a few friends, so on and so forth. Well, it almost looks like I am selling you the concept of unemployment.

So ppl..just get inspired and resign . ( Ok I am kidding ..Do not resign)

Television advertising started about 60 years ago and advertisers and advertising agencies soon grasped the magnitude of this powerful medium. Companies realized that branding could be taken to the next level as, cleverly thought out creative commercials could easily connect with the average consumer. Moreover, commercials have the advantage of associating a product or service with emotions such as trust, reliability, prestige, ease of use,,desire, envy ,pride so on and so forth.

Vodafone and Bajaj have always been my favorites when it comes to commercials. The zoo zoo ads(Vodafone) have been a phenomenal success and infact they are the most watched ad’s in youtube and even have a fan following in face book. I saw another commercial couple of days back for the Bajaj Discover bike and I thought that was a pure delight. They have started their advertising campaign under the theme of “Discover India with the power of 1 litre” and currently have three TV commercials under this campaign which are being aired now. The Ad’s talk about the bike’s mileage(100kms/litre) which enables the consumer to explore little known places in India. I have seen a couple of their ad’s and instantly connected to it. Like for example one of their ad's have a guy riding the bike, discover a place called Mathur about 100 kms from Mysore, where the local language is Sanskrit. Another one had the guy in the bike discover a place in India about 100 kms from Ladakh where you don’t need fuel to run the bike because of the presence of a Magnetic hill. These are fascinating pieces of information that I was completely unaware off before I saw this commercial. I am assuming that I am not the only one around with a poor GK and that this would be new information to many. A lot of credit has to be given to the creator of the ad for the concept purely because of the ad’s ability to connect with the brand in a unique manner.

Creative advertising not only aims at selling a particular product or service but also connecting the vision of the company with its consumers. It should be able to penetrate the public mind with information and desire.

As an ardent admirer of outdoor sports, I am really happy to know that sports in Kerala will atlast be getting its due importance. Considering that Kerala has been churning out world class athletes consistently over the years keeping in mind the lack of class facilities, infrastructure and support is a huge achievement in itself. The ray of hope comes in the form of a new decision taken by Education Minister M A Baby and Sports and youth affairs minister M Vijayakumar. On November 1st 2009, Kerala will become the first state in the country to include sports and physical education as part of the school curriculum.

Lets give credit where its due. I think this is a fantastic move to encourage sports at a very young age because sports in general not only helps build character in a person but also help the child deal with failures as sports, always is a great leveler. You have good and bad days at sports. The major challenge here will be the availability of facilities and infrastructure. Well, its one thing to arrive at a decision and completely different responsibility to back up the decision with resources.

I hope the govt sticks to its decision this time and we start seeing it getting implemented unlike lots of other unkept promises. If nothing else, the move will ensure that we have happier and healthier children .

Tea and cigarettes have always been a great combination for lengthy conversations for me. Biji and I had a similar talk a few days back which started at about 11:00 Pm and continued till 03:00am. In between all that, also got myself booked by the police for smoking at a public place at 02:00am. We were talking on astrology, not that we are astrologers but, on the believing Vs non –believing part. Is Astrology true ? Can somebody predict our future based on the position of the planets at the time of our birth ? So what happens if tomorrow some scientist finds out a new planet ? Does that mean what ever predictions that has been made were all wrong? Its always like a chicken and egg debate. There can never be a conclusion on whether astrology is true or not. Lot of people cite personal examples of predictions coming true and some argue that it’s a numbers game where in some predictions turn out to be true while some don’t. I am no astrologer but I am fascinated at the concept astrology is based on . Well, to think that your personality and your life may be dependent on the planets which are light years away from us may not seem logical to many but is definitely intriguing. To be honest I want to believe that there is some truth in astrology in terms of predictions because how can you explain the some of the predictions which have come very true ( ok , there are lots which have not as well). But then again, If there is some truth in astrology , shouldn’t we also believe that our destinies cannot be changed and is not in our hands ? Some say there are remedies which astrologers advise which can change / avoid what may be indicated in our destiny. Stretching it a bit too far ? maybe . If you really want to think about it, Its filled with contradictions piling one after the other whether you are a believer or a non believer. But despite the fact that there are no rational explanations there are many who accept astrology and its remedies because it seems to work for them .

It is left to us to decide as to how far are we willing to let our circle of acceptance stretch, regardless of the perceived or actual truth in astrology. As for me, as someone who does not know astrology, it is difficult to accept that our lives are governed by the planets at the time of our birth( If only mom would have looked at the planetary position before giving birth to me !) There are a lot of things in the world which are unknown and not explained. Probably it is meant to be like that, but validating those with planetary positions just does not look right.

P.S:- I dont believe in Astrology. I am a Cancerian. Cancerians are always skeptical!